Enter Pity Party…

Oh holy shiz…

It’s really happening!! I just took my first birth control pill for the first time in almost 5 years, it feels odd to say the least. I remember the freeing feeling when I stopped taking them and switched to an IUD. It was so amazing to not have to worry about it and here I am all these years later setting an alarm on my cell phone to remind myself. Oh man, how time can change you and yet so many things stay the same.

When we left our fertility specialist’s office, I felt a sense of calm for the first time in almost 2.5 years. We had a purpose, a true plan, a course of action, and I was so excited.
Here comes Wednesday…we’ve had 48 busy hours to digest the information and I think we are finally really understand what this means. I’ve been in a state of hurry up…really, hurry up…no, now wait….wait a little more…lead foot is on the gas at this point.
It’s finally happening and I don’t really know how I truly feel about it. I always thought I would have lost more weight, gotten my relationship with my dad figured out, enter about a million other things, before we really started.
I’m so ready, beyond ready, but is everything else? We need so many things in order…okay, let’s calm my rear end down and realize the this is finally happening!!!

 

Tape it up y’all,

The AT’s Wife

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Our Very First IVF Consultation

Today was our very first IVF consultation with our fertility doctor! It went really well. I was nervous at first because we waited like 25 minutes after our appointment time before she called us back there. This is very unlike her, we are usually sitting with the doctor by our appointment time so waiting did not sit well with our anxious selves this morning.

When we finally walked into the office she had our files laid out on her desk and even had books stacked up that were marked with things she wanted us to see. The AT and I think that she and her intern were reviewing our case one more time before meeting with us.
We saw her last in February which is when she laid out how much IVF would cost and a rough timeline. When we walked in and started talking you could tell that once we said we were ready to do whatever that she was so excited for/with us.
She explained the medications I would be taking and that we will both come back for an entire appointment just to learn about all the meds and how to give them. What I find so much comfort in is that we will get a calendar that explains what meds, the dose, appointments, pretty much everything that the process entails.
It seems incredibly ironic that I will begin birth control for the first time in 5 years!!! Like really, birth control?? Isn’t my goal to get pregnant? I asked our doc about it all and she explained that it will basically prevent me from ovulating until they are ready. Although I understand the thought process it still is freaking odd!!!
So, I will see how I tolerate birth control because I hated taking it before but if it will help me reach the goal of being a mommy….then sign me up!

Thank y’all for all of the support. This entire process is so overwhelming but I feel amazing knowing that I have people who have walked in these shoes before.
Have a great week!!

Tape it up, The AT’s Wife

My Big Fat American Mouth

Sometimes I am amazed by my ability to turn my entire world upside down with a single sentence.
I will be the first to admit that I have a big mouth…one that had me in deep shiz with my parents most of my teenage years, and one that to this day gets my rear end into trouble.
Today was a prime example, the AT got home from a two day work trip last night and I have already said something that is leading to radio silence from him. Which for me is the absolute greatest form of torture…I can dish out silence like it’s cake but can’t eat it.
I have an intense love/hate relationship with cell phones. The AT and I lived over an hour apart from each other basically our entire dating lives and we spent many hours on the phone each week keeping up with each other. I love that I am able to keep up with him but this also means everyone else can as well. It’s especially bad because he has a work cell phone and a personal cell. If an athlete/coach/community member/administrator/UPS delivery guy can’t reach him on his work phone they call around until someone will give them the personal cell number. It’s annoying to say the least. It’s a Sunday, he was gone from Thursday until Saturday evening but he was still scheduled to see an athlete. About 15 minutes before they are supposed to meet the AT, a text come in on his personal cell informing him that the athlete is out of town and won’t be back for 4 hours and can meet him then.
I swear on my life I didn’t say a damn word, I communicated non-verbally loud and clear, but didn’t open my mouth.
Then…the AT says, “Don’t be like that, it’s not my fault. You know I’ll get my butt chewed by the coach if I don’t check on the kid!”

The truth is there, I know it would be perceived as his fault instead of the athletes…I’ve been around long enough to know this. But, here is my thing: he has been gone, we have our first IVF consult in the morning, and I’ve been cooking/baking like a damn crazy lady trying to make a nice early birthday dinner for tonight. We had just agreed on a time we would both be back from school to have said big birthday dinner when this text came in and much to my chagrin the time we had scheduled for dinner was when this athlete could show up!
Over it…I just wish that people would respect the time that the AT and I have together because it’s not very much.
This is how our week pans out:
Monday-IVF consult, playoff game out of town
Tuesday- AT’s bday, school dinner he has to present at
Wednesday- might be flying out of town with his boss
Thursday- might still be gone
Friday- playoff game out of town
Saturday- playoff games out of town

All of this is happening on top of everything else. Cycle day 1 is today and why I’m always bummed, I’m hoping that this will prevent us from having to wait anymore before we get this IVF show on the road.

So, I’m off to get my plans together for my substitute tomorrow and try to start breathing normally again.

Always waiting on a man,
Trying to tape it up, The AT’s Wife

To tell or not to tell, begging for your opinion

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The above is currently my view…my darn dog literally won’t leave me alone today. Glad she is cute or we might have some issues. 

First, thank you so very much for the support yesterday. I don’t know how I would have made it out without my Twitter peeps! Quick side note, I’m still so very new at the blogging/Twitter thing so if I royally screw up or commit a major faux pas please tell me.

On to the questions of the evening, who knows about your infertility struggle? How much do they know? Would you do things differently now if you could go back? Who is more quiet between you and your partner?

I’ll go first, the main reason I’m asking is because I honestly have no friends around my area who are dealing with the same issues. The few who have an idea what is going on tell me to be honest with everyone and others say it’s inappropriate to discuss any of it.

Here is where the AT and I stand on the above issues.

Who knows about your infertility struggle?
Originally we were pretty quiet, only telling one couple we were really close to. We then told the AT’s mom after his father passed away, my sister, and parents slowly followed. We didn’t tell anyone at work until we both had to miss work for fertility doctor appointments (Working in a small school district, it would have been easily noticed that we were both gone). Two plus years later, most of the people we interact with daily have some idea that we want to start a family and are unable to without medical assistance.
How much do they know?
Here is where things get interesting…AT’s mom knows it all, down to the details of the last SA that was done. My sis does know it all but doesn’t ask any questions. Mom just knows I’m not PG yet. My dad I’m sure knows more than I would like, mainly because my sis tells him everything. People around school just know about the appointments and the impending IVF but don’t know why.
Would you do things differently now if you could go back?
Having not been able to comprehend that we would still be TTC 2.5 years later I probably would have been more open in the hopes that someone else would be open with me. The flip side of that coin is that some days I wish I kept my damn mouth shut so people wouldn’t ask me stupid questions or give me such great ‘advice.’ (You hear that sarcasm?)
Who is more quiet between you and your partner?
This one most assuredly goes to the AT. I understand his point and wish that sometimes I didn’t feel the need to talk about my issues all the darn time.

Excited to hear about where y’all stand! Thanks in advance for filling me in!

Tape it up y’all, The AT’s Wife

Too long for Twitter

Seriously…

Ever had a day that makes you question everything? Well, I feel like I’ve had too damn many and today was another one.
Was pulled aside to be told that a damn 7th grade girl is pregnant and it gets better…they were asking for prenatal vitamin suggestions!!!! You have got to be fucking kidding me! No damn words, I have been good lately about not feeling boiling over anger about pregnancies that are once again not mine but this one, may just send me into the stratosphere.
I’m old, in a stable relationship, have a job, insurance, supportive family, and no baby for me….but junior high girl, sure lets give her a baby!

Off to teach a few more classes and then it’s home to get ready for an Easter party…after that, I’m sure I’ll make myself a lovely drunk mess.

Tape it up, AT’s Wife

The most terrifying thing I’ve ever written….

Have been wrestling with this for a long while, I honestly didn’t know if/when I would share this but I feel like the anonymous status of Twitter and blogging will (hopefully) keep me some what safe.

The AT and I have been trying to start a family for 2.5 years and have been together for almost 7. When we first started dating I was struggling with extreme depression stemming from the previous years events. Here they are….

When I was a freshman in college I was more of an idiot than most, I dated someone 10 years my senior who was abusive in more ways than one. I was a virgin when we met, one night I said no and when I left I wasn’t one anymore. I wish I could say that I reported this and fried his ass but I can’t. I thought I was in love, I stayed with him for almost a year and lost track of the times he raped me and the ways he abused me.

When we finally broke up I had to change my phone number and still wouldn’t tell anyone about the abuse. I wanted to move on, to believe that it was all a bad dream. Fast forward to Christmas break my sophomore year of college…my mom forced me to go to the doctor because I wasn’t eating much and was loosing weight at a quick rate.

At the end of the appointment, I knew the truth: I was pregnant, about 32ish weeks pregnant and I was set to leave for college in 2 weeks.

I was a mess, a week later I delivered a healthy little boy who I knew in my heart was not mine to keep. 48 hours later he left the hospital and was headed to his forever family and I was headed home.

Less than 3 weeks after I gave birth I was 800 miles away at college and nobody knew my secret. I told everyone I had emergency surgery (which was true, I was ripped up) and had to be released before coming back.

So here I am, a married lady desperate for a family and blaming my actions 7+ years ago for not being able to have a family. I wear guilt like its a damn gorgeous outfit that never leaves my body.

Maybe someday it will be better, but as of now I still blame myself for our lack of family. AT says I’m crazy, that my actions have no bearing on our situation but I can’t let my guilt cloak go….

Welcome to my pitty party…

The last few days have been rough to say the least. Monday is my 27th birthday and we will be spending the day at the AT’s urologist appointment followed up with a SA. Be jealous, it’s pretty amazing I know.

Yesterday and today I figured that the AT has been working more than he is at home and that sends me over the damn edge. I hate being alone all of the time, it doesn’t suit me well at all. I’ve been baking (and subsequently eating) up a storm which is always a bad thing for both my waistline and my kitchen.
This week I have been bitched out for not being a part of a baby shower, seen about 15,486 fake “I’m preggo” status updates on facebook, and last but not least AF came to visit. On top of that we have had a crazy week at school full of standardized testing at my building and 5 athletic events that the AT has been responsible for.
We’ve decided that we need to get on the same page and have a line of questioning for the doctor on Monday. We both agree that we want a child and understand that as of now IVF is our best option for us to reach our goal of having a family. It’s a very overwhelming thought, half of my yearly income is about to be invested in my body. I feel like we are basically about to take part in a crappy gambling scheme and we have a pretty good chance of winning but the chance of failure is always looming.

Off to clean the house, or at least attempt to…I can’t focus worth a damn today.

Tape it up, AT’s Wife