Have been wrestling with this for a long while, I honestly didn’t know if/when I would share this but I feel like the anonymous status of Twitter and blogging will (hopefully) keep me some what safe.
The AT and I have been trying to start a family for 2.5 years and have been together for almost 7. When we first started dating I was struggling with extreme depression stemming from the previous years events. Here they are….
When I was a freshman in college I was more of an idiot than most, I dated someone 10 years my senior who was abusive in more ways than one. I was a virgin when we met, one night I said no and when I left I wasn’t one anymore. I wish I could say that I reported this and fried his ass but I can’t. I thought I was in love, I stayed with him for almost a year and lost track of the times he raped me and the ways he abused me.
When we finally broke up I had to change my phone number and still wouldn’t tell anyone about the abuse. I wanted to move on, to believe that it was all a bad dream. Fast forward to Christmas break my sophomore year of college…my mom forced me to go to the doctor because I wasn’t eating much and was loosing weight at a quick rate.
At the end of the appointment, I knew the truth: I was pregnant, about 32ish weeks pregnant and I was set to leave for college in 2 weeks.
I was a mess, a week later I delivered a healthy little boy who I knew in my heart was not mine to keep. 48 hours later he left the hospital and was headed to his forever family and I was headed home.
Less than 3 weeks after I gave birth I was 800 miles away at college and nobody knew my secret. I told everyone I had emergency surgery (which was true, I was ripped up) and had to be released before coming back.
So here I am, a married lady desperate for a family and blaming my actions 7+ years ago for not being able to have a family. I wear guilt like its a damn gorgeous outfit that never leaves my body.
Maybe someday it will be better, but as of now I still blame myself for our lack of family. AT says I’m crazy, that my actions have no bearing on our situation but I can’t let my guilt cloak go….